August 28, 2007: As time goes by ...

Here it is, another month gone. April seems so far away. I feel just as guilty as ever; but I am looking forward to retirement in several months. This continued good luck just makes me anxious about the future.

None of us have any promises of a tomorrow. We are all given the ability to dream and hope that what we believe will come to be. I wonder how it is that I am so very lucky to have not suffered.

I think perhaps it is partly due to my belief and faith. Part due to just the way I am. I would have expected that I would have been shocked, angry and fearful. Since my heart attack I have been more emotional. Why not now? It just never occurred to me. It was as if I were told, "you have a wart and we are going to remove it."

My life is surreal. Things are so very different since the MI that I sometimes wonder if I died and this is the afterlife. I often don't feel connected to events in my life. I don't get concerned or worry about little things like I did before. Not even big things like I did before.

I suppose a large part of this is that I feel that I can't effect any change in the outcome of any event. I can't 'be' healthy. I can't change the situation at work. I can't change my personal life. I can't change my children's lives. I am really just an observer.

I'm riding this 'train' and don't need to waste my energies worrying about where it is going or where to turn. I just sit back, relax, look out the window and take-in the scenery. I don't interact with the environment, I just observe.

I wonder where the next station is. What awaits me at the next stop. Is there a next stop? I suppose at any moment the conductor can kick me off the train. Or the engineer could screw up and wreck the train. I just wonder ...

August 1, 2007: First Follow-up Results

Wow!! Three months already. I got to go talk to a cute 30 something young lady about my test results and "sex life".

In her words, "The PSA is perfect!" The continence is great! Really was early and has improved. The Viagra therapy is okay.

It can take months and months. Then she explained that the musculature heals pretty quickly. The Viagra will promote revascularization in a few months. Nerves can take a long time to recover. They suffered a pretty big insult. It is all attached to the prostate and had to be carefully separated before the prostate was removed. Even though they were very careful and had very good nerve sparing experience with me, nerves don't respond well to being disturbed. It was as if they really whacked my prostate 'funny bone' and it will take a lot of time for them to recover.

The good news was very outstanding, I thought. If this is my life, I can live with it. And what guy doesn't like the opportunity to talk to a cute 30 year old who really cares about his petty problems? And then I get to go home to my lovely lady who knows me like a book. Three great kids and their spouses and families all in the turmoil of busy, happy lives.

This is what makes the autumn bountiful! I am having a great harvest of what I sewed in the Spring of my youth and loved through the Summer of my life. I often wonder why I deserve such riches.

Another three months and I can do this again. Just to catch anything that might recur early.