I certainly need to work on this continence thing constantly. It has improved daily. At first it was all I could do to limit the volume. Each passing day of exercise has reduced volume. But I can't count on eliminating leakage for any single action. I can almost hold it by clinching before I rise or sit; but, as soon as I relax there is a bit of leakage. Like all muscle contractions, I cannot maintain constant pressure indefinitely. Eventually the muscle gives out and leakage occurs.
Some times I start to feel discouraged. I feel like I will always leak. I will always wear pads. Worst of all I will always smell. I know me well enough to realize that I can't let myself become depressed. It is very hard for me to get up again if I let that happen. In this scenario I am not sure I will be able to get up if I let those feeling over take me. If I get down and don't conquer incontinence I would be better off dead.
The only thing to do is to maintain perspective. I may leak forever. Well, not forever but for the remainder of my life. However, the alternative to leaking was to suffer, actually SUFFER, a very long, slow, painful death. I can afford to change pads frequently to eliminate odor. I can do most things of life. I can't begin to control myself when I separate my knees for a side step, stumble, stairs, or standing. I can contract consciously, move and have just a little leakage. That is better than nothing. The pain is largely gone. Life is still pretty rich. There are possibly other procedures that can help with this now and maybe better solutions in the future.
This picks my spirit up it seems and I carry on. I can't give up on the exercises. I didn't walk the first weeks or months of my life either. I am determined not to be an embarrassment to my family or myself. I have to get to a point that I can return to work and not be so embarrassed that I can't function. We are not yet rich enough to live without income.
As I said, each day brings improvement. I can wear a single pad all day most days. If I am doing predictable things such as just rising, sitting, walking, etc. I can hold it. If I stumble and have to move quickly I forget to clinch and of course leak. If I walk on uneven ground like the garden center or yard I have some leakage. But I keep working on the exercises and hope for the best.
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