Here it is, another month gone. April seems so far away. I feel just as guilty as ever; but I am looking forward to retirement in several months. This continued good luck just makes me anxious about the future.
None of us have any promises of a tomorrow. We are all given the ability to dream and hope that what we believe will come to be. I wonder how it is that I am so very lucky to have not suffered.
I think perhaps it is partly due to my belief and faith. Part due to just the way I am. I would have expected that I would have been shocked, angry and fearful. Since my heart attack I have been more emotional. Why not now? It just never occurred to me. It was as if I were told, "you have a wart and we are going to remove it."
My life is surreal. Things are so very different since the MI that I sometimes wonder if I died and this is the afterlife. I often don't feel connected to events in my life. I don't get concerned or worry about little things like I did before. Not even big things like I did before.
I suppose a large part of this is that I feel that I can't effect any change in the outcome of any event. I can't 'be' healthy. I can't change the situation at work. I can't change my personal life. I can't change my children's lives. I am really just an observer.
I'm riding this 'train' and don't need to waste my energies worrying about where it is going or where to turn. I just sit back, relax, look out the window and take-in the scenery. I don't interact with the environment, I just observe.
I wonder where the next station is. What awaits me at the next stop. Is there a next stop? I suppose at any moment the conductor can kick me off the train. Or the engineer could screw up and wreck the train. I just wonder ...
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